Beginnings...

Well, less than 2 months before my 41^st birthday, I finally get around to starting the blog I had planned when I hit 40! This isn’t really surprising, considering my expert procrastination skills. ‘Why do something today when it could be done later?’ That’s always been my subconscious motto. I also needed the help of my techy boyfriend, as I am as knowledgeable about computery stuff as my 95-year-old Grandma!

So, why a blog?
Who is going to be interested in the wafflings of a middle-aged mum of four? Don’t worry, it’s not another sweary, gin-soaked blog by a middle-class yummy mummy who spends her time calling her kids bastards and twats. I’m not interested in jumping on that bandwagon. This is more about my whole life; being a mum, but also about my own journey as a person, including, but not limited to my struggle with my mental health. My aim is to express myself for my own personal development, but also to provide a ‘warts and all’ account of life, with some entertainment and humour thrown in. I am going on the assumption that there are other people out there who may be able to identify with at least part of my journey.

You join me at a precarious point in my life.

I haven’t so much been living in a hole as more a mineshaft. It hasn’t been pretty! I have been at the end of a slow-burning fuse for years and, on Thursday last, I exploded! Not like a glorious and beautiful firework. It was more of an ugly, devastating mess, which happened to be in the form of a wordy, wine-fuelled rant, full of woe and self-pity. Quite frankly, it was embarrassing, but I am not focusing on that part. From now on, I am all about the positive.

This entry is probably coming across as a bit ‘heavy’, but I am trying to set the scene. For years I have been focusing on my shortcomings and complaining about what I haven’t achieved. I have had all these flowery notions in my head, about me suddenly becoming a massive success, but haven’t exactly made it happen. I’ve hindered success if anything.

After Thursday’s mushroom cloud, a few things happened. I received a lot of messages of support from many of my wonderful friends, who have been there for me a lot, to my ongoing amazement. The game-changer, however, came in the form of two things; a hard-hitting comment from somebody I considered a good friend; in short, telling me I had no right to be falling apart because there are people who are far worse off than me.  I didn’t know how to feel about that, as I believe that problems are relative to the person and should never be belittled. I understood why this friend said what she did as she is currently facing a serious battle of her own, but my breaking point came after 2 or 3 years of fighting against negative and mentally draining events, and I just collapsed, unable to find the fight any more.

The other virtual slap was losing three of my newest friends. One of them was honest and told me that I am a serial complainer, made everything about me, and had no hope about anything, and that she wasn’t willing or able to give me any support. At the time, it hurt massively, as I’ve always strived to be a good friend, but do you know what? She’s totally right. I have become the human equivalent of the dentist…you accept my existence and put up with me but there is a lot of unpleasant whining and discomfort in the process.

So, today is the start of my new approach to life!

No more ‘poor me’. No more playing the victim. Hello to positivity. I will embrace life with as much enthusiasm as I can muster and hopefully see some changes for the better. Here’s hoping my forties are fabulous from now on! Hope you stick around for the ride.