Destination happiness

Well, I’ve been pestering my other half to set me up a blogging site for months, and now that he has, I’ve been the worst blogger in the history of blogging! Usually, my lack of action is down to my innate ability to procrastinate for Britain, but on this occasion I have actually been busy…..like, getting stuff done busy.

For years, I have felt unsatisfied. I see how I want something to be, but it inevitably involves hard work and organisation - traits that I do have the potential to possess, but which don’t usually surface very often - so I tend to either fail to complete the necessary tasks or just scrape through by the skin of my teeth, which still leaves me feeling crap about myself. People always make excuses for me. “Yes, but you have four kids”, is the usual comment. Yes, I do, and at times it gets hectic and they do keep me busy, but it’s funny how I always manage to find time to go on Facebook (other social media sites are available!). If I could get back all the time I’ve killed on ‘the book’, I could achieve so much.

Recently, as I found myself at the mercy of the dreaded ‘Black dog’, I got into the undesirable, unproductive, and worrying habit of sleeping whenever I could. Sleep became the escape from my own brain that I sought. I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t a good way to be, but the urge to climb under the duvet got the better of me on several occasions. Luckily, since my collision with rock bottom, I don’t feel the need to sleep. I haven’t laid down for a nap in the daytime for a while now.

There is a commonly held view that, “if I can just get/do x, y and z, then I’ll be happy”. I’m sure a lot of us have been guilty of imagining ‘happiness’ as a place we will get to one day. If I can get that better paid job, I will be happy. If I lose 3 stone, I will be happy. If I can get the house clean and tidy, I will be happy. This is known as ‘Destination happiness’. Do I base my happiness on these things? Yeah, sometimes. I know it’s wrong and I have said to my OH on many occasions that we must make the best of the here and now, and enjoy the kids while they are still little. I try very hard to count my blessings (believe it or not, considering my late night dirty laundry-airing session n Facebook recently), and I know how lucky we are to have our family and our amazing house. Sure, sometimes it feels frustrating when we struggle to pay for things, but we still have a lot. Sometimes it feels a bit like we have been given a Ferrari but we’re only allowed to drive around town. We want to be out on the motorway but it’s just out of reach.

Anyway, since my first entry, I have realised that a huge change is needed in pretty much every aspect of my life. Instead of wallowing in self-pity over my self-induced crapness, I have the power to make the necessary changes which will make my journey through life much better. I CAN lose the weight, I CAN sort out the house and, whilst the money thing is trickier, I am taking steps to improve our financial future. I’ve known what to do for years, but I have been too lazy to do it.

I have started climbing the enormous mountain in front of me, but I am taking it one rock at a time, rather than being overcome by the sheer magnitude of the task! Hopefully, instead of focusing on the destination, I’ll enjoy each step of the journey. The way I’m looking at it, I’m not on a path TO happiness but hopefully one paved with it. (Sorry, should have given a sick bucket alert!).