Life Begins...

2016 saw two notable events; having my fourth child and hitting the big 4-0. Now, we all know how haywire your hormones go after giving birth, and being number four, I knew roughly what I was letting myself in for, but hitting forty came like a smack in the face with a freight train! I wasn’t prepared and the resulting aftermath wasn’t pretty.

My birthday was a bit of a damp squib to be honest. We had just been through one of our ‘legendary’ house moves less than a week previous. Like a well-oiled machine it was NOT! My parents came to stay over my birthday, which was lovely, and my sister and her husband joined us too, but my OH and I had been having some personal difficulties so there were some undercurrents there, which were stressing us both out. All in all, me hitting forty came at the wrong time. I wasn’t feeling mentally or physically good about myself. If I’m honest, I was bloody exhausted. It’s no real exaggeration to say that, at the time, I saw my life as a person in my own right as being over. The way I felt at the time, I might as well have been turning eighty!!

Meanwhile, I was having one of those reflective times when you start to evaluate your life. When you’re in your twenties, you view forty as ancient. Suddenly, about 5 minutes go by and you have balloons with a 4 and an 0 floating about over you like rain clouds. I thought by 40, I would be sorted; a ‘proper’ adult with a stable career and a bit of money to spend on holidays etc. Here I was, unhappy with my partner (back then, I hasten to add), overweight, broke and lacking in motivation. I was sinking fast. I don’t think those without children can appreciate how much pressure and responsibility you feel when you have small people who rely on you. It’s absolutely terrifying, especially when things aren’t so good. Having a personal/financial crisis whilst maintaining the role of provider, counsellor, nurse, taxi driver and money machine to four young people just isn’t fun.

It has taken almost a year, and such a lot of stress and negativity, but I can now tentatively say that I’m starting to feel like a fully functioning human again, rather than a shell, devoid of any substance. I’m starting to lose weight and I’m about to start a new care job, as well as returning to college in a month or so. I’m not even worrying about the friends who have cut ties with me. I understand why they did but I can’t waste energy on worrying about them. Sounds harsh but I need to concentrate on the people who love me through thick or thin. I need to focus on loving myself, otherwise I project the negativity onto others. Affirmations, baby!

Now the heavy stuff’s out of the way, I can start making my life, and hopefully this blog, a bit more fun, after all, isn’t life supposed to begin at forty?