Me, myself and I

I haven’t written an entry for ages. I’ve been away on a college trip to Belfast so all my attention has been on that, from buying new clothes, to conserving energy. Now I am home and feel like a new woman.

It is only in retrospect that I have realised what has been wrong with me for the past year or more. Yes, I have had the kids, the partner, the house etc, but what has been missing is “me”, Lara. I have felt like an empty shell, devoid of any real personality. I have laughed, played along with the jokes and put on a brave face, but the real essence of my personality has been missing.

What has caused this to happen, you may ask. It is partly that boring old reason….lack of money. I am not in any way materialistic, but when all around you are buying what they need and you cannot even afford the basics for your children, I defy anyone to be all smiles. My kids do OK. I have managed to acquire hand-me-down clothes for the 2 littlest and the older ones do OK from their dad and birthday money.

Also, I was the fat mum, with the shit clothes. Now, I have shifted a bit of weight (much more to go) and am starting to feel human again. My legs no longer have the piles of lumpy fat resting above the knees. My tummy is slightly flatter, and my smile is real. I feel free. I have bought a few fashionable items of clothing which has not happened in years. That is worth much more than perfection. My mouth is slightly out of kilter but do I care? Absolutely not. My smile is a reflection of my heart, and that means more than anything.

Lara has returned and I hope she is around to stay. I quite like having her around.