Midlife Madness!

I haven’t written an entry for ages. I’ve been away on a college trip to Belfast so all my attention has been on that, from buying new clothes, to conserving energy. Now I am home and feel like a new woman. It is only in retrospect that I have realised what has been wrong with me for the past year or more. Yes, I have had the kids, the partner, the house etc, but what has been missing is “me”, Lara. I have felt like an empty shell, devoid of any real personality. I have laughed, played along with the jokes and put on a brave face, but the real essence of my personality has been missing. What has caused this to happen, you may ask. It is partly that boring old reason….lack of money. I am not in any way materialistic, but when all around you are buying what they need and you cannot even afford the basics for your children, I defy anyone to be all smiles. My kids do OK. I have managed to acquire hand-me-down clothes for the 2 littlest and the older ones do OK from their dad and b...

I have had several conversations with my teenagers lately that have made me realise that I am, in fact, that uncool, old mum that all kids swear they will never be. Mentally, I don’t feel much different to how I did when I was twenty, other than I think I have a little bit more knowledge and wisdom behind me (although sometimes I wonder). In my young people’s eyes, however, I am positively Jurassic! I’m pretty sure that at some point during childbirth, a microchip is implanted into the mother’s brain which contains all the standard “mum” sayings. I’ll openly admit that my head and heart are both residing somewhere in the early to mid-nineties. I could cope with things then. CDs (insert disc, press play and Bob’s your mother’s brother). Now it involves multiple items of gadgetry and more pressing of buttons than it does to launch a space rocket (although, I do like Amazon Echo). I had some of the best times back then too. Life somehow felt less complicated and we interacted with ea...

It’s been ages since I’ve written anything. The main reason is that I haven’t bloody done anything! My summer was mainly spent hearing, “I’m hungry mummy. I’m thirsty. Can I watch Paw Patrol?” Lack of finances meant that outings were few and far between, so we’ve been the reclusive family. Last week, we finally got some sense of routine and normality back. I returned to college for my second year of my degree. I’ve stayed on at the college to do Criminology and Criminal Justice, rather than going to the University campus to continue with Psychology and Criminology. This was mainly due to the logistics of child care and travel, but I must admit, I’m not too upset to be leaving the joys of SPSS and Psychobiology and Cognition behind! Give me a serial killer any day! I’ve been losing weight lately. Just over 1.5 stone gone so far and I already feel so much better about myself. I still have a long way to go but I’m enjoying the journey. It was just what I needed to kick start my sel...

2016 saw two notable events; having my fourth child and hitting the big 4-0. Now, we all know how haywire your hormones go after giving birth, and being number four, I knew roughly what I was letting myself in for, but hitting forty came like a smack in the face with a freight train! I wasn’t prepared and the resulting aftermath wasn’t pretty. My birthday was a bit of a damp squib to be honest. We had just been through one of our ‘legendary’ house moves less than a week previous. Like a well-oiled machine it was NOT! My parents came to stay over my birthday, which was lovely, and my sister and her husband joined us too, but my OH and I had been having some personal difficulties so there were some undercurrents there, which were stressing us both out. All in all, me hitting forty came at the wrong time. I wasn’t feeling mentally or physically good about myself. If I’m honest, I was bloody exhausted. It’s no real exaggeration to say that, at the time, I saw my life as a person...

Well, I’ve been pestering my other half to set me up a blogging site for months, and now that he has, I’ve been the worst blogger in the history of blogging! Usually, my lack of action is down to my innate ability to procrastinate for Britain, but on this occasion I have actually been busy…..like, getting stuff done busy. For years, I have felt unsatisfied. I see how I want something to be, but it inevitably involves hard work and organisation - traits that I do have the potential to possess, but which don’t usually surface very often - so I tend to either fail to complete the necessary tasks or just scrape through by the skin of my teeth, which still leaves me feeling crap about myself. People always make excuses for me. “Yes, but you have four kids”, is the usual comment. Yes, I do, and at times it gets hectic and they do keep me busy, but it’s funny how I always manage to find time to go on Facebook (other social media sites are available!). If I could get back all the time I’v...

Well, less than 2 months before my 41 st birthday, I finally get around to starting the blog I had planned when I hit 40! This isn’t really surprising, considering my expert procrastination skills. ‘Why do something today when it could be done later?’ That’s always been my subconscious motto. I also needed the help of my techy boyfriend, as I am as knowledgeable about computery stuff as my 95-year-old Grandma! So, why a blog? Who is going to be interested in the wafflings of a middle-aged mum of four? Don’t worry, it’s not another sweary, gin-soaked blog by a middle-class yummy mummy who spends her time calling her kids bastards and twats. I’m not interested in jumping on that bandwagon. This is more about my whole life; being a mum, but also about my own journey as a person, including, but not limited to my struggle with my mental health. My aim is to express myself for my own personal development, but also to provide a ‘warts and all’ account of life, with some entertainment and h...